Is the Jesus of the Gospels too mundane for you? Does that long hippy hair in classical renditions of him turn off your Republican sensibilities? Are you frightened that Jesus might not approve of your "lifestyle choices?" Well, I have great news for you. That's all about to change.
Introducing, My Buddy Jesus. He's a one of a kind Son of God tailor made to you so that your relationship with him is unchallenging, always non-judgmental and always on the drinking buddy level. Can't understand those Zen-like parables of his? Well My Buddy Jesus can be made to talk just like any good ol' boy so that you too can understand the mysteries of Heaven and Earth. Think that Jesus was against The Mantm? There's nothing like seeing Jesus sporting a Che t shirt and an AK-47 to really make you think that Jesus really meant that the poor mentioned in the beatitudes were just those at the poverty line. Or how about Republican Jesus who doesn't just hate homosexuality, but hates the homosexuals themselves and supports bombing any country back into the stone age just for looking kinda funny at Uncle Sam?
Yes, boys and girls, there is a Jesus for everyone. You are no longer limited by the Jesus of the Gospels and his message of salvation, repentance, mercy and submission to almighty God. If you feel that your excrement smells like petunias, think that the Pharisees got a bad rap for their confidence in their position before God or that Jesus was a flaming liberal who'd make Howard Dean look like a research fellow at the Heritage Foundation, we have a Jesus for you!
Order your personalized messiah for $19.95 plus shipping and handling. Call, and we will throw in an option for Buddhist Jesus, Hindu Jesus, Pagan Jesus, Rostafarian Jesus or whatever syncretic Jesus you believe is the true Word of God Made Flesh. Don't wait, call now! Call 1-800-CUSTOM-CHRIST.
good stuff...that is exactly what too many people actually believe...unfortunately, few people, including self identified Christians, read God's word and meditate on it to understand His everlasting truth...
The Bible is a huge book and when you show it to an audience that really doesn't like to read, you end up with people just living off a few sound bites they here from a pastor. I've read most of all of the Gospels before, Acts, most of Romans, Corinthians, etc. Just can't specifically quote most of it back to you ;)
Whoo! Very nice! Inflammatory sarcasm at its best! I love it!
Thanks, Lucas :)
That'll be $19.95. Would you like to buy the add-on abortion activist kit that comes with a complementary supply of cross-shaped RU486 pills?
Oooooh! I wanna "Girl Jesus", preferably the A786-Militant Lesbian model.
You forgot Black Jesus (although Rastafarian Jesus is probably the same).